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As a parent of a four year old who is nonbinary, I often get questions from parents of kids in my child’s class. Overwhelmingly, they want to be supportive, but they don’t know how. They want to make sure that they are saying the right words and doing the right things. I appreciate it, but you should not wait until you know you have a trans or nonbinary classmate to take action. I hope you will use this blog post as an allyship resource if you are a parent or potential classmate so that you can take action now. Here are the best ways to support trans and nonbinary classmates.
When Trans and Nonbinary Classmates Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them
First, the number one tip I have for being supportive to trans and nonbinary people is this, when people tell you who they are believe them. Believe what people tell you the first time. Over the years I have fielded so many versions of this question: “What if this is just a phase?” My answer has always been and continues to be, so what if it is? It is not my job as a friend, mentor, or even parent to tell someone who they are.
My job is to support the people in my life and love them. It is important to not hope that someone will change in the future. What someone tells you is true. What they say is permanent unless and until they tell you differently. Importantly, you need to get to the point where you do not care if what someone is telling you is permanent. It is true now. It is real, and that is more than enough. Simply, wholeheartedly, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Get to Know Trans and Nonbinary Classmates
Secondly, it is important to not exclude people because of their trans and nonbinary status. If you are a parent reading this post, make sure that you include the classmate and classmates family (maybe even a try a little extra). Trans and nonbinary people are valuable members of all our communities. Many times people outside the majority are excluded, sometimes on purpose and sometimes accidentally.
Make sure you are asking yourself questions to push back on your internal biases. For example, if you have a strong positive or negative feeling about a trans or nonbinary classmate, ask yourself why? Really dig to the bottom of that feeling. It can be surprising how internalized transphobic biases are especially to people who don’t think they have any.
If your trans or nonbinary classmate is someone who you have a previous close relationship with, ask them how they are doing. Listen to what they have to tell you. If you have any questions about their identity or terms they use to describe themself, do a little research before you ask them questions.
Do a simple google search and open the conversation. “I really want to make sure I am well informed about what you were telling me the other day. So I did some research and would love to check in. Supporting you is important to me, and I want to know the best ways to do that. Please let me know when and if you are ready to chat.” This or some other similar statement can go a long way to showing your support.
Be an Advocate and Ally at School
Trans and nonbinary students and their parents should not be the only ones lobbying the school for more inclusive policies. Advocating for more inclusive changes and practicing allyship as a verb are powerful tools that can create change. In order to amplify the voices of trans and nonbinary students, make sure you are listening more than talking. Find out if there are changes the school can make that would be more inclusive of your trans and nonbinary classmates. The best way to find out what these are is asking! There may already be a campaign underway that you can throw your support behind.
Additionally, see what is occurring at the local, regional, and national level. Right now there is a coordinated effort to minimize and exclude trans and nonbinary schools from full participation in schools. There are bans on trans and nonbinary students participation in sports. There is push back on inclusive restroom policies, and efforts to get books that affirm trans and nonbinary students lives out of school libraries. See what efforts are being made to fight against these transphobic policies and join the fight!
Speak Up
Unfortunately, we have probably all seen and heard bullying in the classroom. It is incredibly powerful have some tools and methods to use to interrupt bullying when you see it. Some people call this being an upstander (as opposed to being a bystander). Many tips can be found online for how to interrupt bullying behavior like the ones liked here.
In addition to confronting bullying behavior, making your support known by wearing supportive clothing or having supportive stickers visible on school items. This can also be a powerful way to let people know you are supportive. If you are going to buy trans and nonbinary supportive gear, make sure that you a purchasing from a trans or nonbinary creator. Meg Emiko is a popular nonbinary creator of all sorts of LGBTQIA+ supportive gear. You can check out Meg’s online store here.
It is very important that if you are going to flag yourself as a trans and nonbinary supportive person by wearing or having visible gear, that you actual are. Make sure that you are doing things to actually support your trans and nonbinary classmates beyond just wearing a shirt.
In Conclusion
In conclusion, even if you don’t think there are trans and nonbinary students at your school, there are. It is possible that your trans and nonbinary classmates are not out because your school environment isn’t supportive of trans and nonbinary students. You do not have to wait until you know you have a trans or nonbinary classmate to start working to make the school environment safer and more supportive. Start today. Pick one thing written about above and get to work.
If you have any questions or want help making a plan, please do not hesitate to reach out to me at ashbellconsulting@gmail.com.