How to Support Your Transgender Child Through the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us! If you celebrate holidays this time of year, you know that the winter holiday season can be stressful. I am here to tell you it can be especially stressful for transgender and gender nonconforming kids. Having spent more than one holiday with my extended family literally hyperventilating in a closet (oh the irony), I want to give you the tools to support your transgender child through the holidays.

Support Your Transgender Child by Communicating Plans for the Holidays

First, it can be really important to know what the plan is and communicate it well in advance. The holidays can be a stressful time! Give the trans and gender nonconforming kids in your life a clear picture of what the plan is early. Honestly, this tip is important for everyone. Letting people know the plan as early as possible gives people time to mentally and emotionally prepare. At least a month in advance, let everyone in the immediate family know what the plan is.

Talk About the Support Your Transgender Child Needs

In addition to letting your child know what the plan is, ask what their needs are. Bring this conversation up well in advance of the holiday. Again, this is a tip that can be helpful for all children, but there are some special considerations if your child is transgender. 

If you child is transgender, there are some important things to cover in this pre-holiday conversation. Start by talking about how your child is feeling about the upcoming holidays. Match your child’s energy. If they are excited, be excited! If they are nervous, validate their feelings and be empathic.

Ask Open Ended Questions

Here are some things to think about and conversation building questions you might want to include. How out is your child? This means not only who knows that your child is transgender, but also how comfortable is your child with people knowing that they are transgender? How out does your child want to be? Is this the first year that they will be out to the whole family? How do they feel about that? What things make them excited? What things make them nervous? It is important to ask open-ended questions and listen to everything your child has to say. 

Ask and let your child tell you how you can best support them. Give them a clear picture of who all will be at the event. Who on that list feels like a safe person to your child and who doesn’t? Based on this conversation you may need to reconsider your holiday plans. Your child’s safety and well being are the most important. If your child feels uncomfortable going to large family events, consider not going. If your child feels unsafe going to this event, do not go.

What to do if your child feels uncomfortable, but wants to attend?

If in the course of the above conversation, it is clear that your child wants to attend the usual holiday gatherings, talk about their concerns. What steps can you take beforehand that might make the event easier? 

Prepare Your Child and Make a Plan

First, prepare your child for situations that might happen at the event. Make a plan for what they can do if they need help or support. Role play situations where they might get called the wrong name or pronoun. Practice what they would like to say and do. Work on scripts that your child can say if someone says rude or unsupportive things. Coming up with these scripts and practicing them in a safe and supportive environment can empower your child to stand up for themself. Doing this also lets your child know that you understand that people might be rude and unsupportive, but that you fully support them.

Seek a Quiet Space and Plan Calming Activities

Secondly, see if there is a space that your child can go if they need a break from the group. Depending on the age of the child and the climate the event is in, a car might work as this space. If your car is not a possibility, ask the event host. Is there is a quiet room away from people, other than the bathroom, that could be available to you and your child? In additional to a quiet room, brainstorm simple activities your child can turn to if they feel over stimulated. Coloring, journaling, listening to calming music, guided meditation, and aromatherapy are things I find useful. Do some age appropriate calming techniques research and brainstorm with your child.

Create an Easy Exit Strategy

Thirdly, if at all possible, let your child know that you are willing to leave with them at any time. Make a plan for what will happen if your child needs to leave. Both you and your child should know how the plan will be implemented, and what will happen once it is put in motion. Take this seriously. If your child says they need to leave, leave. 

Get Ally Support

Additionally, with your child’s permission (sensing a theme here), find out what they would like to happen if other people hear folks using the incorrect name or pronouns for them. Once you know your child’s wishes, ask if it would be ok to reach out to known allies that will be there. Let them know what to do if they hear your child being misgendered or mis-named. Your child might not want anything done and might not want you to reach out to people, that is ok too. 

Should you let people know ahead of time?

With your child’s permission, sending an email to the event attendees letting them know your child’s name and pronouns might be the way to go. If you want to do this, make sure that your child is 100% on board. Tell your child who is planning on being at the event. Get clear and explicit consent to send the email to those specific people.  Make sure to include some tips on how to practice your child’s pronouns and name before the event so attendees get them correct. An example email might look like this:

What if someone says they aren’t supportive?

If someone replies to the email that they will not be supportive and affirming of your child, you can do two things. First, you can let the host know that this person plans on being hateful and discriminatory to your child. With that knowledge, the host may choose to uninvite the hateful person/s. Secondly, you can contact the host and let them know that your family will not be coming and why.

What to do if your child feels unsafe going to family holiday events?

As uncomfortable for you as it may be, you really should not go if your child feels unsafe. It may not make sense to you, but your child knows themself best. If your child says that it is an unsafe environment for them, it is. If your child tells you that they feel uncomfortable, ask them if there is anything that you can do to support them. Ask them if there are steps you can take to help them feel more comfortable. Finally, keep in mind that you can offer all the support and comfort that you possibly can, and you still might need to change your holiday plans. 

Support Your Transgender Child

In conclusion, the holidays can be a stress mess for everyone. We all get so busy. Please, in the hustle and bustle of the holidays don’t forget to check in on the mental and emotional well being of the children in your life. I hope these tips help you navigate a clear, open, and supportive conversation around what support your transgender child needs this holiday season. If you need further assistance or have any questions please do not hesitate to reach out to me at ashbellconsulting@gmail.com.