How to Break Down Binaries with Children

If there is anything that being the parent of a 4 year old has reinforced for me, it is that binary thinking is part of the developmental process. Good vs bad thinking is constant in my child’s mind. I know this because it is constant in their talking too. If I have heard the term “bad guy”once in the last month, I have heard it 1.5 million times. As much as I know that this fixation is developmentally appropriate, I also want the littlest young people in my life to know that hero or villain thinking hurts us all. This is how I have started my journey to break down binaries with children.

Why Try to Break Down Binaries with Children?

If you are new to this concept, you might not know exactly what I am talking about or why it is important to break down binaries at all. One way to explain why we should try to teach children to break down binaries is that we live in a complex and increasingly divided world. Everything is these being reduced to good or bad. If you are good and the other side is evil, then why even bother listening to anyone else’s opinion or reasoning. There is danger in losing all nuance. If this conversation is brand new to you, I encourage you to check out this excellent medium article that fleshes out this idea a little more. 

I firmly believe that children are capable of complex thought. It only takes a quick trip to Grandma and Grandpas to prove that my child understands situational rules and boundaries! My job as a parent is to give them the tools to better understand this complex world. I truly believe that learning to not rely on the safety, comfort, and danger of binaries is one of the most important tools I can teach. 

So What Happened to Set Me Off on This Journey?

All that being said, you may wonder what happened to set all this in motion?! In a word, superheroes. At first, this constant superhero binary chat really irked me. We have tried so hard to make it clear that gender isn’t binary! Why didn’t that just transfer to everything else? Of course it didn’t! Children don’t think that way, and I know that. I was annoyed, nonetheless. 

My four year old is totally enamored with superheroes. “Good guys” and “bad guys” are probably their most used words right now. Superheroes are not my jam, but I gotta practice what I preach and follow my child’s lead. Which brought me to an interesting parental question, how do I follow my child’s lead when they are walking me towards something I disagree with the basic premise of?

In true to me form, I drove deep into my thoughts and made a plan. 

Why Am I Hating on Superheroes?

Where do I even start? The policing. The focus on who is good and who is bad. The historic centering of white men as “the good guys.” Lots for me not to like here. I know what some of you might say! There are all sorts of women superheroes. What about Black Panther? I don’t disagree that there is some diversity and perhaps even good things that can be found in the superhero genre. The problems come in when everything is centered on binary thinking. Which lead me to my next thought, isn’t my focus on hating superheroes just focusing on binary thinking anyway?! Short answer, yes, but that is another blog post.

What Do I Do to Break Down Binaries with Children?

First, this started way before the superhero conversation came up, back when my spouse and I were talking about the values that were important to us in co-parenting children. We wanted to be honest with our children and not gloss over hard conversations. We wanted to make sure that our children felt supported in who they were and what they liked without needing everyone else to agree. The combination of these two things meant I did not have to pretend that I like superheroes. Whew! I am a decent professional actor, but a horrible liar, excellent planning on my part (jokes aside, I really do think honesty is the best policy with children). 

Second, when my child brought home this love of superheroes from school I got curious instead of angry. Can I say I wasn’t grumpy at all? No, but I know (from those conversations with my spouse and a lot of thinking) that I want my children to be able to explore their organic interests. 

Using Scripts to Help Talk About Difficult Concepts

While I absolutely believe that children can understand complex concepts, they can not understand them in the same way that adults do. One way to help simplify difficult concepts for young children (remembering my child is four), is to use scripts. Scripts are short, repeatable phrases that you say when an appropriate situation arises. For example, the phrase that I have found helpful when my child asks me if I love superheroes are: 

“I don’t really like watching or playing superheroes, and I am glad you have found something you like so much. Isn’t it great that we all have different interests?! What do you like about superheroes?”

This makes it very clear my honest opinion on superheroes while validating that my child can like them even though I don’t. It states an important value for our family, that we should celebrate that folks have different interests. Then, it redirects the conversation to something that we are both interested in, why my child likes superheroes.

Using Scripts to Help to Break Down Binaries with Children: Younger Children

The second script that usually comes up when my child starts talking about why they like superheroes. There is typically talk of “good guys” and “bad guys.” It is important to me that my child doesn’t think that “good guys” and “bad guys” are identities. People are not all good or all bad. I do not believe it is destined that we will be a good person or bad person. Our choices can be good or bad, but we are not inherently good or evil. When my child says something about “good guys” or “bad guys,” this is where I bring up the second script. 

Our current script for my 4 year old:

“I hear how much you like superheroes and villains. It is important to remember there aren’t good people or bad people. There are good or bad choices. We all have the ability to make good or bad choices.”

I know that it isn’t always that simple and that there are more than good or bad choices. There will be more and more nuance to this conversation as my child’s ability to comprehend grows. Remembering my child is four, I picked the big picture value that I think is perhaps the most important.

Using Scripts to Help to Break Down Binaries with Children: Older Kids

As children get older there will probably be more capacity for understanding nuance. When your children can understand more complex concepts, your scripts need to change. Anytime you are coming up with a new script it is important to talk with any folk you are co-parenting with. Know what values are important to each of you and if possible, all agree to the same script.

A possible script for a 10 year old might be:

“Do you think that people are either good or evil?” “Are all choices always as simple as good or bad?” “What do you do when you have a choice that isn’t all good or bad?”

You will notice this script is a question based conversation starter rather than a simple direct phrase highlighting values. I know for my family and me it is important to be able to have big difficult conversations with children so this question based method works for us.

What to Do With This?

In conclusion, I understand that this is not all you will ever need to know to help break down binaries with children. The binary might show itself in your child’s thinking in different ways. Hopefully, this can serve as a guide to create scripts that will help support you on your journey to complicating the binary with children. I believe that children are capable of so much more complex thought than many adults give them credit for. I would love to hear how these conversations are going in your life, home, and/or classroom. Please reach out to me at ashbellconsulting@gmail.com and let me know if this helped and how it is going.