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If your child comes out as nonbinary, you might have a lot of questions. What does nonbinary mean? How can I help? How can I talk to my child about this? Might be among those questions. Those are great questions to ask, but I would encourage you to slow down. Take a deep breath and appreciate that your child just came out to you. You most likely have a relationship with your child that is based on trust and honesty.
At this point you, have two choices: fully support your child or not support your child. Supporting your child will lead to a continued relationship of trust and honesty. Not supporting your child will break their trust and undermine your relationship. By finding this blog post you are already on the path to supporting and accepting your child, so what do you do now?
Your Immediate Response
You may have found this post because you suspect your child is nonbinary. If so, it is important to consider how you will respond if your child does come out to you. Your immediate response will tell your child how you feel about them. It is likely that your child will remember how you responded when they came out to you as nonbinary for the rest of their life. Your child needs you to be calm, confident in your support, and for you to listen to everything they have to say.
What is your child’s tone and body language saying? You can tell a lot about how they are feeling by really paying attention. Meet your child where they are. If they are excited, be excited. If they are scared, show empathy and comfort them. Every one is entitled to their own feelings about their coming out process, and it is your job to validate their feelings and show them support.
3 First Steps When Your Child Comes Out as Nonbinary
First, there might be a new name or a new pronouns your child would like you to use. I know when I came out as nonbinary, a name and pronouns that finally felt like me were some of the most exciting parts! This may or may not be the case for your child. If there is a new name or pronouns, make sure to find out from your child is who it is okay to share this information with. This is very important. Do not tell people about your child’s nonbinary status without their express consent. This includes not telling your partner/ spouse, religious leaders, teachers, or friends.
Secondly, if your child does want to use a different name or pronouns, find out in what context they would like to use this name and pronoun set. Do they want to try it out just with you? Just at home? Everywhere? Let your child lead the way. If there is a new name or pronoun set, it is important that you practice. You will need to practice this new name and pronoun set when you are alone so that you get them right. It will take time. The more work you put in the quicker you will be able to get their name and pronouns right.
Third, find out if your child needs any additional support. Your child might want help finding a LGBTQIA+ social group so that they can have some peer support. They might want help navigating transitioning at school. Maybe they want to see a therapist to talk about their feelings in a space that is confidential. Ask your child what kind of support they need and follow their lead. You know your child, trust yourself. If you sense they need support, they probably do. This is not medical advice. If you need medical advice, please see a physical or mental health professional.
3 Mistakes To Avoid When Your Child Comes Out as Nonbinary
The biggest mistakes I see parents making are: not believing their child, rejecting their child, and shaming their child. Not believing your child can range from flat out denial, “That isn’t real. You are just confused.” To scapegoating, “This is because you have been hanging out with XXXX isn’t it.” Rejecting your child can range from kicking them out of the house and disowning them to sending them away to a conversion camp or religious conversion therapy. Shaming your child can take the form of religious shaming, “You know this will send you to hell.” or family shaming, “This is going to give our family a bad reputation.” among others.
All of the above not only undermine the parent/child relationship, they can actually cause a lot of harm to your child. According to The Trevor Project’s 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Mental Health, “Only 1 in 3 LGBTQ youth found their home to be LGBTQ affirming.(The Trevor Project. (2021). 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health. West Hollywood, California: The Trevor Project.)” This is not only sad, but dangerous as the same survey found that “transgender and nonbinary youth who reported having pronouns respected by all of the people they lived with attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected by anyone with whom they lived.”
By taking steps to learn how to best support your nonbinary child, you are cutting their risk of suicide in half. I know that this information is scary, but it is important to know that there is a higher prevalence of suicide attempts among transgender/nonbinary youth. Knowing this, you can take steps to help prevent self harm.
Next Steps and Scripts for Ongoing Conversations
Next steps, now you have some beginning tips for supporting your nonbinary child based on listening, respecting them, and supporting their wishes. Here are some good next steps: continue listening and set a schedule for ongoing conversations. I recommend talking with your child and setting a check in schedule for pronouns and/or support.
That set up conversation might sound like this. You, “I would like to set a check in schedule for pronouns and ongoing support. Would that be ok?” Child, “I will just let you know if my pronouns change, but if you want to check if I need any extra support I guess that would be ok.” You, “Great! Why don’t we go out to coffee the first Saturday of each month just us. We can check in on each other’s lives and just chat?”
A pronoun check in conversation can be as easy as, “I was thinking about my pronouns, and I would like to try she/they pronouns at home (or whatever your current pronoun situation is). Please use she/they pronouns for me at home. How are you currently feeling about your pronouns?”
An on-going support conversation should really be just that, a conversation. Go a place that the two of you can be alone with no one to over hear and check in. Remember this is a conversation, not an interrogation. Share what is going on in your life and ask your child to do the same. I love the idea of making this a special activity, like getting coffee, because having an activity to do can make big conversations less intimidating.
Reach Out
Finally, I can be a resource for you too! Visit my website www.ashbellconsulting.com/for-individuals and check out my upcoming class schedule. I also offer one on one Pick my Brain sessions if you have more questions and you would like to speak to a nonbinary LGBTQIA+ Education Consultant. Learning, changing, and growing can be a difficult process, but I am here to help. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.
*Disclaimer: This blog is intended to provide general information based on my personal experiences as a nonbinary person. It is not intended to be legal or medical advice. For legal or medical guidance on your particular situation, you must consult a lawyer, doctor, or therapist. You should not act independently on this information.