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Parents and caregivers of the world, we have a lot to cover with little ones. Sometimes it can seem impossible to squeeze it all in. You want kids to be aware of the world around them and know how to interact with people respectfully. But, how do you start teaching young kids about LGBTQ community? I am so glad you asked! This particular blog post focuses on children birth to 3. Keep on the look out for a pre-K post on the same topic, coming soon. Let’s get to it.
When to Start Teaching Young Kids About LGBTQ Folks
If you haven’t started already, there is no wrong age to start teaching children about the LGBTQ+ community. Now is a great time to start no matter how old the kids are who are in your care. I started teaching my kids about the LGBTQ+ community at birth. Birth is the ideal time to start.
I know what you are probably thinking. “Now Ash, how do you teach a newborn about gender and sexual orientation?” I do have a bit of an easier time because in my family there are two queer, non-binary parents. My kids learn about LGBTQ+ identity every second of every day. But even if you don’t have that luxury, there are still lots of ways for you to start including the LGBTQ+ community in your child’s learning from birth.
Teaching Young Kids About the LGBTQ Community: 0-18 months
From the beginning, babies from zero to eighteen months are wonderful little sponges for information. They are constantly learning how the world works. Think about the things you do to teach the youngest people in your life. I am sure there are ways that you can think of to include information about the LGBTQ+ community in baby learning.
From the beginning, one of the ways I teach babies about the LGBTQ+ community is including images in their environment of all different types of family structures. I point out that some families have two mommies, a Dualists and a Zaza (my partner and my parent names), or other family structures. The children in your life can and should know from a very young age that there are lots of different types of families. Children need to hear that no family structure is more “normal” than any other. Children should also know that people call the people who love and take care of them all sorts of different names.
Be Aware of How You Talk to Babies
Babies cannot communicate their gender. Parents will often use a baby’s sex assigned at birth to pick what pronouns to use for their child. This is one mode of assigning pronouns to babies, but it doesn’t have to be this way. In my family, we use a variety of pronouns for our babies until they can tell us what pronouns they want to use. For example, we might say, “Little A has a poopy diaper. It is the third one she has had this morning. They might be getting a bit of a rash. Would you check next time you change her?”
These may seem extreme or strange to you, but is it really more strange than aggressively gendering a baby from before they are born? Often people seem to go out of their way to do this. Strangers will ask pregnant people what gender their unborn child is. I think it is a useful practice for us all to gender babies less.
You also have the option of only using babies names and not using pronouns at all. It can take a bit of practice, but it is possible to not use pronouns at all when you talk about a baby. I think best practice is to use all of the pronouns or no pronouns at all until a child can tell us what pronouns they would like used.
That being said, I do not think you are causing lasting harm by picking a pronoun until a child can tell you. When the child is in the 2-3 year old range, you need to make it clear that they get to pick what pronoun feels best for them. You must listen and immediately change if a child tells you the pronoun you picked is wrong.
Dramatic Play for Babies
In addition to viewing and talking about different types of families and thinking about how we address babies, I also like modeling gender and family diversity while engaging in dramatic play. A quick google search of “dramatic play for babies” will lead you to a wealth of fun ideas. These should be easily adaptable to include LGBTQ+ people. Even a simple list of dramatic play ideas like this one will give you lots of ways to start.
Remember, the words we use and the things we choose to talk about with babies are important. In dramatic play, use dolls or toys to model different pronouns. Finally, make sure that you are including non-binary folks when you randomly assign genders to dolls and toys.
Teaching Young Kids About the LGBTQ Community: 18 months-3
Toddlers from about eighteen month to three years old are developing skills and language at a dizzying speed. Ideally at this age you will be building on all the exposure that you have given the children in your care to different family structure, pronouns, and gender identities. All the tips above that are relevant for babies will work for toddlers too.
Dramatic Play for Toddlers
Additionally, toddlers will be engaging in more active dramatic play. Children may want costumes involved! If there children in your life are into dress up play, make sure that you are not limiting their options in a gendered way. Offer all children sparkly dresses and construction jumpsuits, princess costumes and knight’s armor. You want to make sure that you are not limited toddlers ideas of what a person of any gender can be.
Depending on children’s environments and previous messages they might have received, they may already have scripts and ideas about what is allowed and not allowed based on gender. You should counteract those gender biased scripts. An example of this might be if a child says, “Only girls can wear dresses.” You should be prepared to say that dresses are for anyone who likes dresses. We should support people wearing what they like to wear.
Incorporating Books for Teaching Young Kids About LGBTQ Folks
Most toddlers love having books read to them. Luckily, we are in beautiful time right now for children’s books with LGBTQ+ representation. I understand it can be daunting to know what books to get. So, I recommend starting with my post on “The Best LGBTQ Books for Toddlers”. In that post, you will find a curated selection of books that can help you get started. Also included, are possible learning units you can include the books in. LGBTQ+ characters should not only be present when you are trying to make a point about LGBTQ+ people. Include books with LGBTQ+ in all your learning units.
Furthermore, Caregivers need to know how to answer children’s questions about LGBTQ+ character in books. Before you get started reading books with LGBTQ+ characters, head over to my post on “How to Read LGBTQ Children’s Books Without Harming the LGBTQ Community.” Armed with the foundation that post provides and some excellent board books, you will be well on your way to using books that feature LGBTQ+ characters to have meaningful conversations with the toddlers in your life about the LGBTQ+ community.
Don’t Be Afraid to Guide Toddler Play
Y’all I gotta be honest, while I love open ended, free for all play, it has its limits. It is wonderful to set out an activity and just let the child go! However, there are things in the world that are unlikely to be self discovered in open ended play. Teaching toddlers about the LGBTQ+ community and how to both celebrate difference and be respectful are two of those things. Children are experts of themselves and are by design pretty self involved. I think this is great! It does mean though that you will have to direct children towards more LGBTQ+ inclusive play.
How to Guide Toddler Play
One way I like to do this directing is to play with my kids and ask them leading questions. For example, one day my child and I were playing pirates (my child loved Jake and the Neverland Pirates at the time) with lego people. I noticed that all of my child’s pirates used he/him pronouns. This wasn’t surprising to me because almost all of the characters in Jake and the Neverland Pirates use he/him pronouns. When I joined in the play, I made sure all of the pirates that introduced used she/her, they/them, or neopronouns (Don’t know what neopronouns are click here). My child then continued play with the pirates using a wider variety of pronouns.
This might seem like such a subtle shift that it is not even worth it, but, I promise you, it is. In this one interaction, I reenforced that people with a variety of pronouns can do something that is normally coded male. I introduced they/them and neopronouns into the conversation giving my child the opportunity to practice them. This interaction with my child was valuable for both of us. We got to put our full attention on each other and playing. These are the sorts of interactions that teach children what they should value and that they are valuable! The subtle shift is worth it.
Teaching Young Kids About LGBTQ Folks, In Conclusion
Birth to three is such a magical/ exhausting time for children and caregivers. As a caregiver it be overwhelming and feel impossible to try something new. Thank you for reading this blog post and for your commitment to being a lifelong learner. Modeling continual learning, messing up, apologizing and trying again can be one of the most important things we do for children. Introducing respect, inclusion, and celebration for the LGBTQ+ community from a young age is just one way you are striving to make the world a better place. I see you. I am thankful for you, and I am cheering you on.
Please do not hesitate to email me at ashbellconsulting@gmail.com if you have any feedback or questions.